I'd wear matching sweaters with you
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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