i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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