girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
