Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
