you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize