Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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