he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
