It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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