my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
