Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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