All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
