you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
