Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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