I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
