Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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