he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
