Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
