U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
You are the jesus of drinking
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