and you said cock pushups were impossible
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Randomize
