I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
These tits shall not be calmed
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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