i think i have herpe
just one?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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