i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I can't put those talents on a resume
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
