you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
birth control should be required to get into college
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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