I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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