Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
