Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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