a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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