it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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