Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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