I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Randomize
