My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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