I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Randomize
