Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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