Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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