Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
