The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
