I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
