i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
