Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize