It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
i think my cat just said my name.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize