so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
