I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
