I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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