Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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