i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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