after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
