Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
