you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
