I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
