At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
