I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
