Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
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