Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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