Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
