I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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