batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
