i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
