i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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